Screaming, throwing on the floor, hysteria through which your words do not reach, these are all the usual charms of growing up that two-and-a-half-year-olds go through. That second year got its official name because of the various changes that the child goes through – “Terrible Two“.
In addition to frequent changes in mood, this phase is also marked by tantrums, so-called “temper tantrums” and a clear and loud “NO” that is heard more and more often from the mouth of the then adorable baby.
This period of growing up begins because the child struggles with his dependence on adults and on the other hand with his desire for independence. So it often happens that one moment the child clings to the mother, while the next it runs in the opposite direction.
The peak of such unstable behavior occurs at the age of 2 and a half years. The child becomes quite rigid and inflexible, demanding, his emotions are turbulent, he is extremely indecisive; everything must be as it wants and not otherwise, and at the same time it wants this and that. He is in conflict with himself and his environment. It is the so-called the crisis of the third year, the age of defiance and resistance. The child begins to resist adults when they do everything for him and begins to express the desire to do something on his own. It is the age of acquiring the first autonomy.
The development of speech also becomes more intense, cognitive cognitions grow, but speech does not follow them at the same speed, the child wants to say and ask a lot, but cannot.
This is a very important period in emotional development for a two-and-a-half-year-old. The child begins to feel and express very strong emotions such as – anger, guilt, shame, selfishness, excitement. Children who find themselves overwhelmed by such strong emotions for the first time do not succeed and do not know how to overcome them, which is why the so-called temper tantrums are frequent – when the child cries a lot, throws himself on the floor, has difficulty calming down.
Most often, tantrums are an expression of the child’s dissatisfaction with the fact that he cannot get something or that something is not to his liking. Tantrums usually don’t last more than a few minutes, but that’s enough to freak out both the child and the parents.
Tantrums occur in children with a stronger temperament as early as the second year, and it is normal for them to last until the fourth year. They represent a natural phase in the development of the neurological system when there is a mismatch between the increased amount of frustration and the still insufficient ability of the neurological system to accept it.
A child in the period from the second to the third year discovers the world around him and his role in it more and more. He’s trying to follow the rules, but he doesn’t understand everything yet. He wants to say a lot, but he doesn’t speak well yet, he just wants everything, but he still can’t. Pretty frustrating, isn’t it?
Frustration is important and inseparable from development. Therefore, every child needs an optimal dose of frustration, so that they can develop their psychological immunity and their own ability to cope with stress. Precisely in order for children to gain this psychological security, it is important to set limits on their desires. Of course, we are not talking about the child’s needs for love, tenderness and attention, which we will never deny children in any situation.
Provide comfort, support, give the child a choice, but also set limits
How to understand what is happening?
Imagine that your life is under the control of some big and powerful person who decides what you eat, what you wear and who cuts your every attempt to change in the bud. This is exactly what the life of a three-year-old looks like who, on the other hand, is trying to grow up. Allow the child the opportunity to choose, but limit the choice to two options that come to mind. What will we have for breakfast, cereal or eggs? Allow the child to choose, even make a mistake, but never make the choice so that the child feels bad about his choice, for example: “You chose a tracksuit, not pants, as I told you, and that’s why we’re not going for a walk!” Such a sentence tells the child that he is not capable of making a good decision on his own. Explain to the child why it is better to wear pants, and let the child choose their color. So it will feel independent and good because it made the right choice.
It is important for the parent to position himself correctly and help the child to overcome this condition and to help him channel those ‘screaming’ emotions. In this way, it helps him learn how to better regulate his own emotional states and calm down more easily, which, let’s face it, is a gift for a lifetime.
By criticizing, punishing, yelling and at least using physical force, the parent will not help his child, but in that way will set back and slow down his socio-emotional development, which then becomes the cause of later bad behavior.
Children begin, again conditioned by the development of speech, to name their feelings and frustrations, and this is precisely an important element in “outgrowing” tantrums, that is, awareness and control of one’s own emotions.
In addition to the fact that it is necessary to reach a certain developmental maturity. It’s also about the fact that the child must learn to channel his stormy emotions, that is, learn to express his frustration that comes to him – because something is not as he would like or he did not get what he wants. The parent should help the child in moments of crisis, crying or hysterics by providing comfort and support, but at the same time – to set limits and express his/her attitude about what the child can or cannot get/do.
In order to learn to deal with frustration, parental love is not always enough for children. Very often they lack parental guidance. They need a good emotional coach, ie. leader, and parents often don’t have the capacity for that, and that’s why it would be good to work on your development and progress as a parent.
Parents who are good emotional coaches do not suppress or ignore expressions of anger, sadness, and fear. Namely, anger and sadness are the moments when children need guidance the most.
They accept unpleasant feelings as a fact of life. They use those moments as opportunities for emotional bonding and important life lessons.
In practice, this means that when the child is frustrated, has a fit of crying or rage, the parent stays with the child, lets him express his emotions and gently prevents him from hurting himself or others in the affect. The parent then remains calm, which is usually not easy, so the child usually feels the parent’s anger, which only worsens the situation. In those moments, the child should not be insulted or humiliated in any way. A parent can deal with the situation more easily if he is aware that he has an immature child in front of him who is having a hard time and still does not know how to deal with his emotions.
A child in tantrum states needs regulation, i.e. a calm parent who will allow him to first release a large amount of accumulated anger and frustration, and then slowly calm him down through a hug or a firm hold and a calm tone of voice, which can sometimes take up to an hour.
Tantrums usually disappear by the age of four, and in that period the child learns how to accept the norms set by the environment in a socially acceptable way. Parental patience, support and verbalization of situations and emotions help to make this journey, often called “first puberty”, easier to overcome together.
The basic prerequisite for a child to go through a crisis with as few difficulties as possible is the mother’s calmness. If the mother is self-confident, well-intentioned, ready to listen to the child, the crisis will not deepen, but will pass faster and less violently. Remember that your child loves you, but is going through a difficult time. First of all, your love, understanding, patience and laughter can create miracles. And of course, positive thinking that everything will pass, including those small children’s crises.
